I’ve stayed away; have you noticed?
I had hoped that my next post on here would be an exciting announcement that I was pregnant again. I had also hoped this would take place before February 13, 2011 (today) - the due date of the pregnancy I miscarried.
The story of how I feel about everything that is happening really started six years ago. But, this post is only going to be about the last year.
I’m sure you can imagine how, after five years of infertility and numerous failed infertility treatments, I was losing all hope that I would ever get pregnant. This was last spring.
My hope was failing.
We weren’t sure what direction we wanted to head as a couple. We didn’t know if we wanted to do any more treatments. Our best plan of action was to do all the testing one could think of, and have a consultation with a doctor to get an educated opinion. And maybe after this point we might have a clue as to what we wanted to do.
Despite this action plan, my hope was failing.
I sat in the bathroom one morning last spring praying to God. I had reached a point where I didn’t want to struggle with trying to have children any more. I wanted to give up. It was too hard. I didn’t have any hope. And besides I was perfectly happy adopting and I would be more than willing to adopt all my children. So I told God I was letting go of all my hope for it to happen. And I did.
We kept our action plan. I figured I could at least weigh the options the doctor presented us. But I didn’t want to pursue any serious treatments.
So, I went to my first of many doctor appointments that day—they wanted to monitor my cycle over an entire month to be sure everything was working properly.
I walked up to the front desk to let them know I had arrived, handed them every ID known to man, and glanced up at the wall – behind the front desk and over about 5 feet. There staring back at me was this huge sign that said “HOPE.”
The first thought through my head was back to the prayer with God that morning and how I had given up all hope.
But I dropped it from my mind; after all I had an entire month of monitoring before we would even speak to the doctor. And then I could decide what I wanted to do next. In the meantime, I was tired. There was no reason for me to have hope at that point –I already had 66 months of failed attempts to bash any hope and any dream.
I went to every appointment dutifully. Everything was perfect. Our appointment with the doctor was scheduled.
And many of you know what happened at this point. The day before our doctor consultation, we found out we were pregnant. 100% naturally; no meds; no treatments.
My favorite reaction came from a blog friend, Kelly, an individual I have never met in person, but have been priviledged to meet her and befriend her online. She posted that day that the God of the impossible had totally showed off in our lives.
And He did. And He also introduced hope back into my life. I don’t believe this happened by accident or by mistake. Today, I cling to the hope that God allowed such a miracle in my life to happen, so that I would continue to have hope that it would happen again. So I continue to pray and I continue to hope...and that is where I am today.
“Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”” Romans 4:18