Thursday, July 19, 2007

Praying for Peace

I've been praying for peace and comfort for myself this week. There have been a lot of ups and downs on this road. The first few months after our first failed IVF was heartbreaking. My poor pastor must have thought he was doing a miserable job at church because I left the service every week for months bawling.

It's been a little better. There's been less crying; which means I'm not crying every day ... maybe only every other. But there is stress in other ways. Our first FET is around the corner and what this means is another chance for success ... or for failure.

I've always been the sort of person to plan, prepare, and control a situation if possible. Unfortunately, on this road you learn way too quickly life is not simple ... and life is certainly not in your control. So I try to control what I can. Over the last few weeks this means what can I do to try to increase my chances of a successful FET. Lose weight, more tests, more exercise, more tests?? I honestly feel like I owe it to our babies. Their chance at life hinges on a successful FET ... and that is quite a bit of stress to put on yourself.

When you believe as we do, that life begins at conception, the road of infertility is only more complicated and harder. I remember three days after we the eggs were fertilized we had thirteen embryos! Wow, can you imagine, thirteen starts to life ... can you imagine 13 children! Those few days were rough, because while we waited for the most "viable" embryos, what it meant to me was more of our children were dying. And you can trust me when I say I had a lot of worries, concerns that we had made the wrong choice. By day 5 we were down to six, and now we are at four. And our chances are much less than when we started ... about 35% is what we were told for each FET ... we should have two if everything goes as planned. And for everyone who says you didn't really lose anything ... that is a load of crap! Because I lost a two children, and I certainly lost hope.

So I feel like I owe to myself, and of course to them, to be proactive in our approach. Should I be tested to see if I am lacking certain uterine proteins that will prevent a embryo from implanting. If I am, its a 3-month dose of medicine to help treat. Simple enough. Or should we try acupuncture. There are studies out there that show a better success rate when combined with a few needles. No problem.

I feel like if it may make a difference, and I should emphasize "may," then we owe it to these young little babies to make the effort. Unfortunately, the doc doesn't quite feel the same way. He thinks a healthy and vital embryo will grow just about anywhere. So, we have had to decide what to do ... should we push for more, should we trust the doc.

I'm starting to see why so many infertile couples end up changing clinics for their second attempt at IVF. You learn what you are looking for, and its a struggle, because not only do you feel like you just wasted $12K learning what you want in a clinic ... you lose the babies ... and there is nothing you can do about it.

So recovering from the heartache of infertility seems to be an ongoing struggle as we deal with these issues in our life. These past few months have definitely been better. And we are trying to move forward and focus on areas of our life that need improving. We have been setting more goals for ourselves in many aspects of our lives. One of which is to post on this site at least twice a week.

But the days, weeks and months remain challenging.

Every week, we see the sweetest little children at church with captivating smiles and laughs … and I hope that one day a young child will look at both myself and my husband the way I see other children look at their parents.

My dream is that one day we will be able to add our child's laughter to our home.

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